mère , 2006-05-06 , 1:43 p.m.
I have realised how much I have detested this family of mine.
As I recall the days of youth, how much lovingness I used to brag to my classmates about how perfect my family was, how lovingly we are, and how much we understand one another. It's just nothing but bullshit. It's all a lie simply because I was to blank-brained to realise how dumb I was in the past. There wasn't any happy family, they were superficial, so superficial that only now I realise the hollowness in this family I feel everyday coming home.
This mother whom I used to give up my longevity for, is no longer the one whom I realised I has loved.
And this child that I am, is no longer the apple in my mother's eyes because she had seen me changing over the years and feel that I am down into the drains of wastage, a soul unforgivable.
A miscommunication all of you would say, but I say screw it.
I have given up all forms of communication at home. Because since the day my education was decided, I realise I hadn't a path to walk back. Somehow I was so dumb to walk into this path where they have planned of me.
I have lead myself to my own downfall, because I hadn't the courage to show my perseverance in the decisions in life. Therefore now I am in a pile of mess, a mess that I can't walk out from safely.
I get sleepless nights...
how many has it since been.... days? weeks? ........
I rarely get a decent emotion flowing through myself. I feel like breaking any time in the day. I feel like slashing every minuted in the night. I feel like experiencing so much physical pain so that this emotional pain can no longer be felt. I really don't wanna excruciate more pain that I have now.
There is nothing I can do for myself, or that is what I believed to be. I so feared myself of turning into a spoilt brat, and that I don't want to realise how badly I am turning into one.
Why hadn't anyone reached out to me at home? Why at my pits of darkness no one shown a torch into my eyes...
I rather be blinded by the mercy of light than the lost in darkness....
Where were all of you?
Why did everyone lied to be by telling me that they will be there if I needed them?
I am a fool after all.... ...
No longer I want to cause more pain to other people other than myself. I don't want to make people dwell in my forsaken life which is going nowhere. In the efforts I see people trying to change me, all the more I receive its inertia.
I can slash again tonight... to hide away from all this madness in my pained heart.... living in sadism all my life is something why I have been chosen to be named Sadist.
My heart bleeds as I type all this.
I have been bleeding ever since last night at 1 a.m.
Her shoutings remained in my mind.
Her distrust lingers in my head.
I no longer have a family.
I no longer have a place to call home.
I don't want to stay here anymore.
Someone save me...........
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left , untold , pain , sorrow
2007*
2007-05-09 -- goodbye . my love
2007-05-01 -- name analysis is bullshit
2007-04-29 -- walkon
2007-04-26 -- SEX can overcome ALL features
2007-03-31 -- vapourise;
2007-03-27 -- mother.creeping-nature
2007-03-10 -- inochi-style
2007-03-01 -- i.Hateyou
2007-02-25 -- SMD*
2007-01-26 -- dadahouse;bugsbunny
2007-01-24 -- [ kharma ]
2007-01-19 -- rawr*~
2007-01-04 -- hijak*
2006*
2006-12-09 -- Ton-ning;overheat.
2006-12-08 -- clear broads.
2006-12-06 -- opium;weed;drugs on high maintanence
2006-12-03 -- UKAT.268bpm
2006-12-02 -- nullified; answers; whatarethey
2006-11-26 -- ohmyhomies...
2006-11-14 -- my heartbeat stopped.
2006-11-12 -- newsflash
2006-11-07 -- The Fool I am
2006-11-03 -- dissipating mirage
2006-11-01 -- piece after piece
2006-09-28 -- i.resolutionary
2006-09-02 -- rapid dysfunctionality
2006-08-17 -- SleepRampage
2006-08-13 -- Blame >>> the fireworks
2006-07-30 -- Tranquility; Over-
2006-07-14 -- Jack in the Box
2006-07-13 -- Journey; Round about the Mulberry
2006-07-13 -- Illusionary; A Flaw in a Dream
2006-07-02 -- Prevail the Ignorance, dance of eternity
2006-06-11 -- Rip Roll Soil
2006-06-10 -- pluie et abri
2006-06-08 -- espoirs.dévorés
2006-05-15 -- The ugly canvas in the beautiful scene.
2006-05-06 -- mère
2006-05-04 -- abayo........
2006-05-02 -- Joke of the Century
2006-03-19 -- dream : legacy : tarot
2006-03-19 -- DMC layout.
2006-03-12 -- The power of Time ---
2006-03-10 -- In a world of individualism.........
2006-02-26 -- ** ningyou-jigoku
2006-01-31 -- *tainted canvas
2006-01-22 -- subete
2006-01-21 -- Ano Basho : Ano Hyaku-Yen Mise
2006-01-21 -- reunion
2005*
2005-12-21 -- i'm the sinner
2005-12-06 -- shopping like a gay
2005-12-04 -- health deteoriation
2005-11-27 -- nonsensical being sick
2005-11-23 -- sumimasen
2005-11-14 -- i am still me.
2005-11-05 -- FYI, i'm not dead yet.
2005-10-13 -- gone, forever.
2005-09-29 -- sweet, bitter vengeance
2005-09-27 -- last call
2005-09-20 -- word of the day :
2005-09-20 -- Neutrino. Neutrino. Bye. Bye.
2005-09-17 -- fuck your silly pea-brains.
2005-09-11 -- me = bandit
2005-09-07 -- betrayed and fuck your ass
2005-08-25 -- a broken toy
2005-08-17 -- imouto...... -chan.
2005-08-10 -- flew
2005-08-05 -- fuck your inside-out happiness
2005-08-04 -- utter speechless
2005-08-02 -- realization.
2005-08-01 -- cafe tarot
2005-07-19 -- rain and cigarettes
2005-07-14 -- life's like that
2005-07-13 -- image : original MAKO
2005-07-08 -- stupid bag
2005-07-05 -- answer, please.
2005-07-01 -- saku : to tear, to split
2005-07-01 -- get lost
2005-06-30 -- frozen
2005-06-29 -- understood-ed
2005-06-25 -- gackt and miyavi
2005-06-23 -- mako and insanity II
2005-06-23 -- mako and insanity I
2005-06-08 -- singapore street festival 2005
2005-05-30 -- first day
2005-05-23 -- boredom
2005-05-18 -- 24 hours template
2005-05-16 -- blood yaoi
2005-05-10 -- die
2005-04-14 -- virus attack
2005-04-07 -- renaissance__
2005-04-02 -- getting better
2005-04-01 -- about today...
2005-03-15 -- st. white valentines'
2005-03-11 -- madness in me
2005-03-08 -- to the bestie in this school
2005-03-03 -- in reflection to you
2005-02-19 -- refresh this page
2005-02-17 -- blinded bishie
2005-02-16 -- temporary measures
2005-02-02 -- my forum
2005-01-31 -- question
2005-01-17 -- procrastinating
2005-01-12 -- bread and baker
2005-01-10 -- shit happens everyday
2005-01-06 -- [quizzes]
2005-01-01 -- best-written
2004*
2004-12-29 -- love and hate
2004-12-27 -- baka matsuri
2004-12-22 -- spam-bot
2004-12-20 -- no idea
2004-12-16 -- home
2004-12-14 -- insanity
2004-12-13 -- missing you......
2004-12-08 -- progress
2004-12-02 -- me against the world
2004-11-29 -- hatred grows every minute every second everyday
2004-11-26 -- sicked
2004-11-08 -- recently.. .....................
2004-10-31 -- passion destruction
2004-10-28 -- showdown
2004-10-25 -- death.
2004-10-20 -- *spams*
2004-10-14 -- ill and bitching
2004-10-08 -- leisure
2004-10-06 -- insomnia
2004-10-01 -- insatiable love insanity
2004-09-27 -- Suck Me.
2004-09-17 -- Quote of the Day.
2004-09-15 -- meaningless
2004-09-11 -- back
2004-08-21 -- raiko, i give you this.
2004-08-20 -- busy
2004-08-14 -- -enkephalin-
2004-08-12 -- bus. i hate buses.
2004-08-10 -- don't hide. it's for you.
2004-08-07 -- friends. guaranteed with assurance.
2004-08-05 -- Today is unusual.
2004-07-26 -- Shudders.
2004-07-22 -- Nemesis... no more?
2004-07-17 -- when it's still fresh in mind...
2004-07-15 -- kuri-kaesu
2004-07-15 -- She's back... to me.
2004-07-12 -- I feel you coming.
2004-07-11 -- -i'm tired-
2004-07-10 -- Once again.. new layout.
2004-07-08 -- Would I have to....?
2004-07-05 -- lousy.whinny.sissy.
2004-07-01 -- Mother Fucker.
2004-06-29 -- Ignorance is Bliss
2004-06-18 -- Adjustments.
2004-06-12 -- A departure.
2004-06-03 -- To those who might concern...
2004-05-23 -- Don't Ask.
2004-05-22 -- Nothing..
2004-05-13 -- Reassurance
2004-04-30 -- Ureshi
2004-04-28 -- This is not me...
2004-04-26 -- Stressed... again....
2004-04-24 -- The Loved will be Remembered.
2004-04-16 -- Suicidal...
2004-04-13 -- The Day Arrives...
2004-04-06 -- Kurai no Sekai.
2004-04-05 -- Utsukushii no Tsuki.
2004-03-30 -- Crashed.
2004-03-23 -- Last Night...
2004-03-16 -- The Predicted Future.
2004-03-12 -- Headache.
2004-03-05 -- Lies.
2004-03-02 -- I Wish.
2004-02-21 -- Tired. And Battered.
2004-02-16 -- ...Kurushin.
2004-02-10 -- Poisoned
2004-02-04 -- KOF Sharings.
2004-02-03 -- Stained Freedom
2004-01-30 -- The Wicked Rose(Archive)
2004-01-20 -- Prayers of the Heart
2004-01-15 -- School sucks.
2004-01-10 -- The Outing
2003*
2003-12-29 -- Smile-less Me.
2003-12-27 -- Heretic Hell.
2003-12-19 -- Dedication
2003-12-15 -- My Simple Life
2003-12-03 -- Worthiness
2003-11-21 -- Behaviours.
2003-11-17 -- Romance(????)
2003-11-10 -- Fury. Angst. Chaos.
2003-11-07 -- Fears.
2003-11-06 -- Tomorrow's Memory.
2003-11-05 -- Blessed Beliefs.
2003-11-01 -- Inexistence.
2003-10-27 -- Selfish isn't it?
2003-10-25 -- ...Her...and her story....
2003-10-22 -- Time, game for the change?
2003-10-21 -- So much so for now.....
2003-10-20 -- Having thoughts about it.....
2003-10-19 -- The Final Stop.........
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credits , author
touran @ http://xluvemorie.blogspot.com
© copyrighted 2003 - 2007
goodbye . lost memories . companion . imissyou
everything goes back to diaryland
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