abayo........ , 2006-05-04 , 5:29 p.m.
I realised how much I really hated this world. Despite a point of time where everyone had nearly gotten me out of the dilemma I have been living through all my life, apparently, nobody gave a final pull and dropped me back in where I was all along. Somehow this was a preset I have realised all along, something that was ticking at the back of my head for the most obvious reason I could ever thought of, simply because it was a fact from the very start.
It was me... who was a fool to believe in all those lies.
It was me... who chose to believe and fall really hard.
It was me... who stood up to believe and realise all was a big joke.
I'm no art student, I'm no designer. All and all was a big big lie in my own fantasy world... A world where I never want to wake up, because in there, I achieve all that I want. I wouldn't feel so lost right now, I wouldn't have to suffer so much pain deep inside, I wouldn't have to realise that all that was ever there was just a lie from everyone's mouth.
I know I shouldn't have let my guard down so easily. This world is full of deceit and traps. Why hadn't I realise all this when I was so much clearer in my head? Why hadn't I pick up enough courage in the past to ave everything? Why do I dwell so much?
Everyone tells me to move on and look forward, there's a beautiful canvas waiting for me to paint my future in.
But they never realised, the hardest part is... ...
I work in a brain whereby,
I see my mistakes, I see my faults, I see my regrets, I see my regrets, BUT, I see my future, I see my life, I see my hopes and I see my falls.
Uncomprehendable right?
This is pointless. I am not you, neither are you me. Whatever you feel is something that I can't feel otherwise. It seemingly pointless to even cure my own illness. I really can't see myself in prospect where everyone has pictured me in.
My legs are too tired to move in this country, my body ain't taking me any further. All was a joke in my life. A joke that everyone can laugh behind their backs and then walk away smirking. This is the world that has abandoned me. This world whom I have also choose to abandon. Suddenly, the urge to live becomes so seemingly tiny, I start to doubt its existence as well.
Everyone who has shown their pride in their lives have the right to move on.
No setback to hold them back as well.
As for me... I have already failed a part as a perfectionist, no longer shall I live to continue struggling in this world.
Soon I shall become prey and be fed upon, and my life ceases as that.
No one shall change that fate. I have forseen it ever since the day I had knowledge.
Was I six or seven back then.... ...
It doesn't matter anymore. I have given up in this family I was born into. My desires and feed cannot blend into this family's lifestyle. I no longer belong to them as well.
One day I will pass away silently and peacefully, because I know there will be no one knowing it, and therefore no tears involved. This time, maybe I have gone deranged.
It's because of all you scumbags.... you fucking bastards.....
I no longer want to talk about my problems anymore, because there's an endless toll on it. I carry them on my back like a prisoner chained to its iron. I no longer am freed from this mind that goes crazy each and every minute as I grow up. It's causing me nightmares, seeing supernatural, listening to what isn't there. I start feeling life draining apart. I'm no longer gonna be me anymore.
Soon... my dead brother will take over me.... and I will be forgotten...
In part of my limitations, I can no longer go on. I want to set a release on my soul. This soul whom I have been torturing for the past decades..... ...
It's time to let you go... ... and free you from this sin...
Abayo...............
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left , untold , pain , sorrow
2007*
2007-05-09 -- goodbye . my love
2007-05-01 -- name analysis is bullshit
2007-04-29 -- walkon
2007-04-26 -- SEX can overcome ALL features
2007-03-31 -- vapourise;
2007-03-27 -- mother.creeping-nature
2007-03-10 -- inochi-style
2007-03-01 -- i.Hateyou
2007-02-25 -- SMD*
2007-01-26 -- dadahouse;bugsbunny
2007-01-24 -- [ kharma ]
2007-01-19 -- rawr*~
2007-01-04 -- hijak*
2006*
2006-12-09 -- Ton-ning;overheat.
2006-12-08 -- clear broads.
2006-12-06 -- opium;weed;drugs on high maintanence
2006-12-03 -- UKAT.268bpm
2006-12-02 -- nullified; answers; whatarethey
2006-11-26 -- ohmyhomies...
2006-11-14 -- my heartbeat stopped.
2006-11-12 -- newsflash
2006-11-07 -- The Fool I am
2006-11-03 -- dissipating mirage
2006-11-01 -- piece after piece
2006-09-28 -- i.resolutionary
2006-09-02 -- rapid dysfunctionality
2006-08-17 -- SleepRampage
2006-08-13 -- Blame >>> the fireworks
2006-07-30 -- Tranquility; Over-
2006-07-14 -- Jack in the Box
2006-07-13 -- Journey; Round about the Mulberry
2006-07-13 -- Illusionary; A Flaw in a Dream
2006-07-02 -- Prevail the Ignorance, dance of eternity
2006-06-11 -- Rip Roll Soil
2006-06-10 -- pluie et abri
2006-06-08 -- espoirs.dévorés
2006-05-15 -- The ugly canvas in the beautiful scene.
2006-05-06 -- mère
2006-05-04 -- abayo........
2006-05-02 -- Joke of the Century
2006-03-19 -- dream : legacy : tarot
2006-03-19 -- DMC layout.
2006-03-12 -- The power of Time ---
2006-03-10 -- In a world of individualism.........
2006-02-26 -- ** ningyou-jigoku
2006-01-31 -- *tainted canvas
2006-01-22 -- subete
2006-01-21 -- Ano Basho : Ano Hyaku-Yen Mise
2006-01-21 -- reunion
2005*
2005-12-21 -- i'm the sinner
2005-12-06 -- shopping like a gay
2005-12-04 -- health deteoriation
2005-11-27 -- nonsensical being sick
2005-11-23 -- sumimasen
2005-11-14 -- i am still me.
2005-11-05 -- FYI, i'm not dead yet.
2005-10-13 -- gone, forever.
2005-09-29 -- sweet, bitter vengeance
2005-09-27 -- last call
2005-09-20 -- word of the day :
2005-09-20 -- Neutrino. Neutrino. Bye. Bye.
2005-09-17 -- fuck your silly pea-brains.
2005-09-11 -- me = bandit
2005-09-07 -- betrayed and fuck your ass
2005-08-25 -- a broken toy
2005-08-17 -- imouto...... -chan.
2005-08-10 -- flew
2005-08-05 -- fuck your inside-out happiness
2005-08-04 -- utter speechless
2005-08-02 -- realization.
2005-08-01 -- cafe tarot
2005-07-19 -- rain and cigarettes
2005-07-14 -- life's like that
2005-07-13 -- image : original MAKO
2005-07-08 -- stupid bag
2005-07-05 -- answer, please.
2005-07-01 -- saku : to tear, to split
2005-07-01 -- get lost
2005-06-30 -- frozen
2005-06-29 -- understood-ed
2005-06-25 -- gackt and miyavi
2005-06-23 -- mako and insanity II
2005-06-23 -- mako and insanity I
2005-06-08 -- singapore street festival 2005
2005-05-30 -- first day
2005-05-23 -- boredom
2005-05-18 -- 24 hours template
2005-05-16 -- blood yaoi
2005-05-10 -- die
2005-04-14 -- virus attack
2005-04-07 -- renaissance__
2005-04-02 -- getting better
2005-04-01 -- about today...
2005-03-15 -- st. white valentines'
2005-03-11 -- madness in me
2005-03-08 -- to the bestie in this school
2005-03-03 -- in reflection to you
2005-02-19 -- refresh this page
2005-02-17 -- blinded bishie
2005-02-16 -- temporary measures
2005-02-02 -- my forum
2005-01-31 -- question
2005-01-17 -- procrastinating
2005-01-12 -- bread and baker
2005-01-10 -- shit happens everyday
2005-01-06 -- [quizzes]
2005-01-01 -- best-written
2004*
2004-12-29 -- love and hate
2004-12-27 -- baka matsuri
2004-12-22 -- spam-bot
2004-12-20 -- no idea
2004-12-16 -- home
2004-12-14 -- insanity
2004-12-13 -- missing you......
2004-12-08 -- progress
2004-12-02 -- me against the world
2004-11-29 -- hatred grows every minute every second everyday
2004-11-26 -- sicked
2004-11-08 -- recently.. .....................
2004-10-31 -- passion destruction
2004-10-28 -- showdown
2004-10-25 -- death.
2004-10-20 -- *spams*
2004-10-14 -- ill and bitching
2004-10-08 -- leisure
2004-10-06 -- insomnia
2004-10-01 -- insatiable love insanity
2004-09-27 -- Suck Me.
2004-09-17 -- Quote of the Day.
2004-09-15 -- meaningless
2004-09-11 -- back
2004-08-21 -- raiko, i give you this.
2004-08-20 -- busy
2004-08-14 -- -enkephalin-
2004-08-12 -- bus. i hate buses.
2004-08-10 -- don't hide. it's for you.
2004-08-07 -- friends. guaranteed with assurance.
2004-08-05 -- Today is unusual.
2004-07-26 -- Shudders.
2004-07-22 -- Nemesis... no more?
2004-07-17 -- when it's still fresh in mind...
2004-07-15 -- kuri-kaesu
2004-07-15 -- She's back... to me.
2004-07-12 -- I feel you coming.
2004-07-11 -- -i'm tired-
2004-07-10 -- Once again.. new layout.
2004-07-08 -- Would I have to....?
2004-07-05 -- lousy.whinny.sissy.
2004-07-01 -- Mother Fucker.
2004-06-29 -- Ignorance is Bliss
2004-06-18 -- Adjustments.
2004-06-12 -- A departure.
2004-06-03 -- To those who might concern...
2004-05-23 -- Don't Ask.
2004-05-22 -- Nothing..
2004-05-13 -- Reassurance
2004-04-30 -- Ureshi
2004-04-28 -- This is not me...
2004-04-26 -- Stressed... again....
2004-04-24 -- The Loved will be Remembered.
2004-04-16 -- Suicidal...
2004-04-13 -- The Day Arrives...
2004-04-06 -- Kurai no Sekai.
2004-04-05 -- Utsukushii no Tsuki.
2004-03-30 -- Crashed.
2004-03-23 -- Last Night...
2004-03-16 -- The Predicted Future.
2004-03-12 -- Headache.
2004-03-05 -- Lies.
2004-03-02 -- I Wish.
2004-02-21 -- Tired. And Battered.
2004-02-16 -- ...Kurushin.
2004-02-10 -- Poisoned
2004-02-04 -- KOF Sharings.
2004-02-03 -- Stained Freedom
2004-01-30 -- The Wicked Rose(Archive)
2004-01-20 -- Prayers of the Heart
2004-01-15 -- School sucks.
2004-01-10 -- The Outing
2003*
2003-12-29 -- Smile-less Me.
2003-12-27 -- Heretic Hell.
2003-12-19 -- Dedication
2003-12-15 -- My Simple Life
2003-12-03 -- Worthiness
2003-11-21 -- Behaviours.
2003-11-17 -- Romance(????)
2003-11-10 -- Fury. Angst. Chaos.
2003-11-07 -- Fears.
2003-11-06 -- Tomorrow's Memory.
2003-11-05 -- Blessed Beliefs.
2003-11-01 -- Inexistence.
2003-10-27 -- Selfish isn't it?
2003-10-25 -- ...Her...and her story....
2003-10-22 -- Time, game for the change?
2003-10-21 -- So much so for now.....
2003-10-20 -- Having thoughts about it.....
2003-10-19 -- The Final Stop.........
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credits , author
touran @ http://xluvemorie.blogspot.com
© copyrighted 2003 - 2007
goodbye . lost memories . companion . imissyou
everything goes back to diaryland
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